The bitterness ends today.

I know I say that kind of shit a lot.  I get high on life maybe four or five times a year and I act like I’ve just been visited by God or something.  And maybe I have.  But whether it’s God, the opposite of God, or even - God forbid - the work of my own human hands, I’m finally ready to change.  The bitterness ends today.  If this goes the way I want it to, my life will never be the same.

Every person comes to a point in their life when they realize that in order to obtain anything they want, they have to work for it.  It sounds like common sense, and really, it is.  But for their own respective reasons, this realization is more complicated and difficult to get to for certain people compared to the rest.  Maybe I’m singling myself and other people that have had, let’s say less comfortable lives out because that’s just what I know, and in reality it’s hard for everyone to understand this.  I don’t know.  But the purpose of this is not for me to sit here on this perfectly lovely morning and assume everything I don’t know about the world because for whatever reason, my ignorance is more superior than the truth.  That’s exactly the opposite of what I’m trying to accomplish.

What I’m doing is getting up off my ass.  I’m going to stop complaining, stop criticizing, finding satisfaction in what I already know and not scrounging out info that my business doesn’t entail, and simply changing my perspective: changing selfish to selfless.  I can expect nothing from others without being bitter about it; if I want something, I’ll get it myself.  And that goes without saying for the obvious things, like a job & an education. But I guess I didn’t understand that this is something that applies to everything in your life that will EVER affect you.  If I want a better relationship, I put the effort in.  If I want better communication with my family, I put the effort in.

“If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.”

It’s easier to feel upset about what you’re missing in your life and frustrated because you’re always the one that has to stand up.  It’s understandable for people to get sick of being the bigger person.  In my case, what I needed was to learn to open my heart.  Once in awhile you need to step back and watch yourself for a day.  Examine your thought patterns, and try to figure out where the anger is coming from.  It’s part of maintaining a good relationship with yourself.  I came to admit that the people I demonstrated the most anger toward were the people I was the least upset with.  It was my way of protecting myself & dealing with bigger problems by focusing my attention on much more superficial things.  This is a behaviour I’ve kept up for a few years now and it hasn’t gotten any better, but that’s what I need to deal with.  That’s MY problem.

And I’m not saying I need to put on a smile every second of every day and get upset with myself for feeling hurt.  I’m obviously allowed to feel hurt.  I can be upset with people & things provided that they’re the actual roots of my problems and not vessels I’m using to channel my anger.  But I just don’t wanna make my life around hatred anymore.  I’m not a negative person.  When I’m at my best, I’m looking on the bright side and appreciating every good thing that comes about.  I’m really not an extremist, not radical, yet I’m aware enough not to be completely submissive and tolerant about the world & my issues either.

I wondered where my friends went.  I wondered why I’ve been constantly waking up every day feeling more alone.  And not accounting for all of it, but at least in part, I know I’ve changed.  I know I’ve been living the life of someone else in attempts to cover up my dissatisfaction with everything going on.  I apologize to those who I’ve pushed away in that respect.  I was untrue to who I am & I should have been stronger.  To those that will give it, thank you for your forgiveness.  To those who can’t, I’m sorry you won’t give me the chance in your life that I’ll willingly give you in mine - sorry you feel that way.

But what matters is that I’m trying, and I really want to change.  So I will.  No more sitting around and watching my life run past me.  I have a boyfriend that treats me like gold, a family that loves the SHIT out of me, and a future bigger and brighter than any sunrise across the Atlantic.  There’s no reason to.  Life is mine for the taking, and I have both my hands on it, holding on tight.

It's the end of my self-discovery era, or more appropriately, phase.  For many a month, you've divulged intently into my rants and raves about everything from sex to divorce to marriage to family, to best friends, to enemies, and everything in between.  Well, I'm done.  So gone on ahead and unsubscribe :)

Haha, actually, do whatever you want.  But this is certainly the end of epic essay-like posts that take you away for an hour of your life, and then set you back gently when I run out of things to say.  As well, the posts that do appear here from time to time will be infrequent as I try to find another home on the triple-W.  A public one.  One that's open to criticism and experimentation with whichever aspect of my life I decide to highlight in the given time.  In the years I've spent purging and then burying my emotions under the alias of bebefusiion (and previously princessxmarii) I genuinely feel like it's all out of my system - my radical oppositions, my hidden crusades, and my childlike curiosities and obsessions that I could only express with my face covered by a computer screen.  While 'private' blogging served as my very best friend through my turbulent teenage years, as a wiser and grown young woman, I now feel that I have nothing to hide.  After all, the internet is what it is, and screen names will only protect you so much.  And as many of you know, once you find a reason to live life to the fullest, then the security blanket of blogging to the world in private feels almost as if it's second-rate to the real world.

I don't expect to be leaving, though.  My rusty HTML skills are pulling me from the blogspot world, which means I may just create another home here on the X to the A to the NGA.  An eventual goal, however, would be to reserve a domain name and make a site for myself, that covers all the bases of blogging, vlogging, photos, etc.  I would probably use it to showcase some of my art and writing, which is a big step from punching sentences onto a screen with a password on-lock.  But until I take control of my compulsive shopping habits and get around to securing a domain, I won't be up to much.

Once I find a new home, I'll be sure to post a link.  Thank you for your tolerance, support, intrigue, and attention for all of my attention-seeking years!  Bye bye :)

Twitter only goes so far, as does Wikipedia.  I'm only awake enough to drone from website to website but not tired enough to call it a night.  It's been a long day, so I'll call it a night soon.

I'd simply like to say that I'm gradually letting go of the aggression in my life that once served as my primary source of motivation.  I'm becoming a normal person that isn't haunted by horrible memories and connotations of everything, and I'm learning to take each day as it comes.  There are some things I haven't gotten over - like how I think my boyfriend's sister is a crackwhore and that she should go to hell, along with her pathetic-excuse-for-a-Catholic live-in manslave, and how his family in general has no morals or legitimate ethics to live by - but the more important things seem to have solved themselves.  I love my family.  Despite the fact that we don't paint a perfect picture with our faces at $150 for proofs, I could never ask for a better one.  Maybe a better dad, but that doesn't matter, 'cause I don't have the one I used to have now, anyway.  The truth is, if I had a normal dad that operated in every manner I would have wanted my ideal father [figure] to behave in, I probably wouldn't have realized how important my siblings, and my mother really are to me.  I'm really lucky.  They've paved the way for me and given me wisdom far beyond my years.  They set me up to shoot for high places, and I don't plan on letting anyone down.

I'm happy to have a mother with a heart bigger than the whole world.  She's human, don't get me wrong, but she seems to have unlimited patience and forgiveness for every sinner that's ever lived.  I know that, because those are limits that I've tested.  After everything we've been though, I'm sitting on a multi-grand mattress on the upper floor of her home, with clothes on my back and heat blasting through my vent, and a stomach full.  She didn't leave me out on the streets, poor and uneducated, because she was thinking about herself.  My mother never stopped thinking about me, or any of her children.  She's never left me out.  I know far too many parents that would have - my own is different.

One thing that's aggravated me for the last few years of my life is my faith.  Religion was forced down my throat like vegetables - green ones - and I would have died if I didn't get my fix of sugar and MSG.  Well, it's been a few years since I first began to feel like I was better off somewhere else on Sunday nights.  I still haven't reached a consensus with my inner voice about whether or not to return to the Church, or if I'll even return to Catholicism in general - I might just settle with Christianity, and being born again.  (Except then I'd have to pay dues. What the hell.)  But, the word 'atheist' sends fearful shivers down my spine and I know that 'agnostic' doesn't fit me in its perfect family photo.  I do, definitely, believe in God - but no, I don't have what it takes to be Jewish.  {Just found this: http://www.becomingjewish.org/religion.html ... apparently everyone hates gays, still.  Okay, we have a problem.  It looks like I still can't be religious.  There goes my epiphany.}  I've decided, however, that I still want to marry in the presence of God and keep religion in my everyday life.  I've either way chosen to believe in a higher power because there's no way someone like me can ever take over the whole world.  That... would be scary.

So with that said, the worries of my unsteady, adolescent relationship shouldn't phase me, right?  But in case you were wondering, we're doing fine.  Quite fine. :)  Goodnight chumps.